Alaska and Cheese

Dear Reader:

First, let me apologize for the hiatus - I recently returned from a last minute trek through Alaska and while I will not bore you with the details, I will say that the trip involved an encounter with a pregnant lynx (they are FIERCELY territorial), a footrace with a Juneau townie at 2 a.m., and the consumption of a local form of moonshine that boasts caribou saliva as one of its secret ingredients.  Please post in the comments if you would like to hear more about this trip, otherwise I'm done talking about it.

My main reason is to get something off my chest: I love cheese in most (not all!) of its forms.  I wanted to share my favorites and some tips should you choose to become a cheese aficionado yourself.

Right off the bat - please never consume a slice of American "cheese".  I consider this brand of cheese an abomination and will not devote any further time acknowledging its existence.

That being taken care of, I will say that my favorite type of cheese is a nice AGED cheddar.  How aged?  2 years, minimum.  That shit needs to crumble - if you can slice it, don't bother.  I prefer my cheddar with a nice Honeycrisp apple, but a Fuji will do in a pinch.

When I'm in the mood I also seek out gouda, preferably smoked.  If you're going with the smoked variety, insist that the grocer prove that the cheese was smoked in the traditional Dutch method.  Trust me, it's worth it.

Finally, if I'm really feeling festive I will buy 4-5 ounces of a nice Havarti.  I enjoy this in a grilled cheese because of how nicely it melts.  If you want to go hispanic, get Havarti with peppers in it.  A real south of the border treat!  Grilled cheese sandwiches may be consumed at any meal, by the way.

I hope you enjoyed this post.  Please feel free to share with your friends, loved ones, and to your enemies if they are lactose intolerant.

Cordially yours,

Rupert

Serial Podcast Talk!

Dear Readers,

My sincere apologies for the delay in postings – the Holiday Season has come and gone and I find myself once again yearning for mulled wine, Elf on the Shelf, and bitter arguments with my father about whether I’m truly a “man” or still a child. 

However, I was able to listen for 512 consecutive minutes to the excellent “Serial” podcast narrated by the delightful and oddly seductive Sarah Koenig.  I really suggest you try listening to this podcast – it is like sitting around a fireside in the 1940s waiting for the weekly radio serial to come on, only now you can binge listen on your Samsung Note ™ while taking consecutive loops on the monorail at Walt Disney World. It really made me nostalgic for the days of yesteryear.

Anyways, I of course listened to the podcast a total of 5 times over the past two weeks.  I’ve spent hundreds of hours on the sub-reddit and have even booked a trip to Baltimore to tour all of the prominent sites from the story.  I really think this is the only way to truly experience this phenomenon, although I suppose casually listening while you drive to and from work, and shortly thereafter moving on with your life would be acceptable too.

I’m not going to go into the ultimate result of the podcast – I’m just glad that it exists and hope that the format continues!  Frankly I’m sick of pretentious longform New Yorker pieces about the history of cookie cutter stencils.  I prefer my pretentious media in audio form, thanks.

So how will I fill the gaping maw that is my free time now that I do not have “Serial”?  First, I’ll be writing to you more!  And second, while I cannot divulge all information given its sensitivity, I can tell you that I may or may not be involved in the search for treasure buried by Robert E. Lee beneath one of his plantations in Virginia.  I just hope that those awful Van Buren Boys don’t get there first.

Yours in sleuthing,

Rupert Chang 

Twitter 101: An Experience

My dear friends. I have been terribly occupied the past several weeks. Where does the time go? I'll let you know when I find out.

It brings me great joy to be able to sit down in front of the typing machine and share the thrilling adventure I have undertaken between now and my previous posting here. A local community college offers a four-week night class that gives you all the tools you need to be a better Twitter writer. Tweeter. Tweet maker. All of the above.

And because I like all of you so much, I'm going to give away some of these tips and tricks to my precious readership. The only cost of admission is a few minutes of your time, and the patience to stay focused -- my writing can get a little off-topic from time to time!

Tip #1: HASHTAGS AND WHEN TO USE THEM

Hashtags are like bacon smothered in honey. I can't get enough of them. The more you use, the more likely it is that someone else will #search and #find your #tweet.

My goal is to have 10,000 followers (at least), and I am absolutely certain that the more hashtags I can jam into my tweets, the more followers I will obtain.

Because people search for words and letters using the hashtag, it's imperative that every tweet contain at LEAST one hashtag. I'm going to make it a personal goal to use at least eight per tweet.

BONUS TIP: Use hashtags to spruce up and add a little color to what some might perceive as an otherwise mundane collection of words.

Morning treat to myself. Triple espresso. #OnTheTiredSideToday
— Vincent Fortenberry (@TheRealVinceF) December 30, 2014

I can't think of a more fun and cute way to tell everyone you're a little sleepy today.

DOUBLE BONUS TIP: Use hashtags to comment on your tweet -- in the same tweet!

Watching my neighbor pick up some litter on my front sidewalk. #ALittleHelpFromMyFriends
— Vincent Fortenberry (@TheRealVinceF) December 30, 2014

Astute readers may think these bonus tips are mere copies of each other. Please re-read the bonus tips repeatedly until you see the difference. Do not move to the next section until you've reached that conclusion. I'm watching you.

Tip #2: A LITTLE TRICK TO MAKE YOUR TWEETS INTERESTING

I cannot believe I didn't think of this myself, but there is a very subtle way to make your tweets more interesting and catchy than the usual boring business that you see out there from a lot of common folk.

The trick here is to use hyperbole as often as possible:

Absolutely nothing better than #thumbing through the #library #card #catalog drawers and getting what I #want on the first #try.
— Vincent Fortenberry (@TheRealVinceF) December 30, 2014

Obviously, there are some things that are better than getting the card you want on your first thumb into the library card drawers, but on Twitter, you're in it to win it (my high school track coach once told me that). Everything is the best thing ever, at least at that moment.

Tip #3: RETWEETS AND FAVORITES

Retweets are easy. Just hit the button that looks like a square-shaped recycle bin symbol.

But you can do better than that! Thanks to TweetDeck (a handy Twitter client), you can do more than just retweet something.

When hitting the retweet button in TweetDeck, you are presented with the option to "Edit & RT." Do not pass up this option to edit, and insert in some fun commentary:

Poopsanto RT @GMWatch: Bill Maher slams 'evil ruthless Monsanto: the Scientologists of the corporate world http://t.co/vOttTfVBJ0 #gmo
— Vincent Fortenberry (@TheRealVinceF) December 30, 2014

And then there's the favorite button. I don't like this part of Twitter. I'm either in love with it, or I don't care. Using the favorite button is somewhere in a grey area between those two places, and I'm not interested in visiting.

Here's a great example on why you should avoid the favorite button. Let's take a look at the Miami Herald reporting an incident in Tampa today:

#BREAKING: Multiple news outlets reporting people fleeing, screaming as shots are fired at a large mall in Tampa. Police are on the scene.
— Miami Herald (@MiamiHerald) December 30, 2014

Why are people (39 as I post this) calling this a favorite of theirs? I will block these users when I figure out how to do that.

Anyways. My Twitter usage is going to see a real spike over the next few weeks. I will come back sometime in January with a report on how many Twitter followers I have gained since today. Right now I only have one. Look out, guys!

Fuck You, Giving Tuesday

So hey, let's talk about something that sucks.

CHARITY.

Charity at its purest core is fine. It's typically even great! You're giving something of yourself to help someone else. That's all well and good.

But CHARITY in the context of the way its bandied about in the modern world is pretty much the worst thing ever. If you donate your time to a cause, you might not be a jackass. But if you donate money to an organization, the odds are extremely high that you are an asshole.

And so we come to the reason for this post. There is now apparently a bullshit movement known as GIVING TUESDAY. Here's what it's about:

WHAT IS #GIVINGTUESDAY? 

We have a day for giving thanks. We have two for getting deals. Now, we have #GivingTuesday, a global day dedicated to giving back. On Tuesday, December 2, 2014, charities, families, businesses, community centers, and students around the world will come together for one common purpose: to celebrate generosity and to give. 

It’s a simple idea. Just find a way for your family, your community, your company or your organization to come together to give something more. Then tell everyone you can about how you are giving. Join us and be a part of a global celebration of a new tradition of generosity.

I'm sorry (HINT: I'M NOT SORRY), but fuck that shit right in the ass. Let's break it down:

We have a day for giving thanks. We have two for getting deals. Now, we have #GivingTuesday, a global day dedicated to giving back.

Hey, guess what? We didn't need a global day dedicated to giving back because the entire concept of "giving back" is primarily driven by what most people would refer to as "white guilt" (regardless of whether the person is actually white or not). "Giving back" is a construct that people create to avoid thinking critically about the things they do the rest of the year — "DURRRR, I might have not hired any minority candidates and I got the city to approve my plan to displace 30 poor families and I voted for a politician who wants to deport everyone, but I'm donating $10,000 to this scholarship fund so HURRY SOMEONE COME SUCK MY DICK" — and the people they marginalize.

On Tuesday, December 2, 2014, charities, families, businesses, community centers, and students around the world will come together for one common purpose: to celebrate generosity and to give. 

LET'S CELEBRATE GENEROSITY. Are you fucking kidding me? Because we're not celebrating generosity here. You're asking us to celebrate people who give, sure. But the people that deserve celebration for giving are not the ones you're asking us to celebrate. Let's continue.

It’s a simple idea. Just find a way for your family, your community, your company or your organization to come together to give something more.

Translation: Pick a cause that you like, then guilt people you know into donating to it.

Then tell everyone you can about how you are giving. Join us and be a part of a global celebration of a new tradition of generosity.

GOD DAMNIT THIS IS THE WORST THING EVER. "Then tell everyone you can about how you are giving." I mean, I just ... I can't. I can not ... go ... on.

Listen, we all have different motivations in life. Charity to make yourself feel better about the way you act the rest of the year is awful by itself, but when this whole CHARITY concept gets really fucked is when people go running around talking about it. If you are the type of person who goes on a social media site and posts about supporting a cause, GO FUCK YOURSELF.

But hey, that's 20 fucking 14 for you. We have a fucking DAY dedicated to shitheads telling everyone about how they're donating to charity. #GIVINGTUESDAY actually makes the retail thievery that the big box stores perpetuate each year look like Mother Teresa handing out bread crumbs to starving Turkish peasants.

Fuck Giving Tuesday.

Thank you for your service?

Ah, Veterans Day. The national holiday when we salute the mercenaries who police the world!

Veterans Day is a farce.

There's nothing worse than being reminded by holier-than-thou types that we should tell veterans how much we appreciate their service today. "It means so much to the veterans," these people will tell you, and most others will listen, because, man, we owe veterans a serious debt! THEY PROTECT OUR COUNTRY WHILE PUTTING THEIR LIVES ON THE LINE!

Once upon a time, fawning over veterans probably made sense. If your father fought in the Civil War, for instance, that guy saw some fucked up shit and was in a war that truly CHANGED things (kind of). That guy deserved at least one holiday per year, and yet men in those days were true men — they didn't want a goddamn holiday for doing what was right.

These days, going into the military is supporting the massive military-industrial complex in America, signing up to kill brown people in the Middle East, and, more than anything, a calculated decision that you can put up with some shit from the military in order to get your education paid for and some nice benefits on the way and down the road.

There is nothing noble about being in today's military. If you enter the military, you are one of three things:

1. A mercenary.
2. An idiot who had no other options.
3. A sorely misguided young person with nationalistic ideals and dreams of waving the American flag on a mountaintop after you killed the entirety of ISIS with your bare hands.

And yet, we are subjected to this kind of awful thinking when it comes to saluting veterans: 5 ways to honor veterans beyond Veterans Day.

I mean, COME ON. If you are a veteran, you signed up to be in the military. You were not forced into it. I will not honor veterans anymore than I expect anyone to honor me for having a white collar job. We all have jobs, and we all make choices based on what's best for us. Joining the military is not a selfless act. Joining the military in 2014 is accepting a job. You weigh the pros and cons and you either do it, or you don't.

The worst part of all of it, of course, is that you don't dare say anything bad about the idea of honoring veterans, because otherwise you are an asshole in the eyes of 99 percent of the country. Even bleeding heart liberals would be appalled at the very notion someone would say FUCK VETERANS DAY.

But, seriously: FUCK VETERANS DAY.

Dinosauria

Good Evening Reader:


Sometimes when I have a spare moment I like to grab a cup of organic black root tea from Bogota and read the latest academic findings of Dr. Jack Horner, who I consider to be an amazing mind and also one of the most evil men to ever grace this planet.  His greatest sin is the perpetuation of the lie that Tyrannosaurus Rex was a scavenger and not the uber-predatory hunter we know that he in fact was.

I've never shared this before, but I've traveled to an alternative universe nearly identical to our own thanks to the wonders of quantum physics.  I landed in this nearly identical universe in a time approximately 70 million years before the arrival of the Great Bane of the Earth - Humans.  We really are the worst.  I saw a guy throw a cigarette butt out of a speeding 1989 Volkswagon Rabbit and it killed a sun-bathing armadillo, or something.  The. Worst. 

Where was I?  Oh, right, multiverse travel (TIME travel is not possible, and please don't say it is).  I happened upon what is present day North America just in time to see a female Tyrannosaur in action, at the peak of her powers, and she just downright took out 20 full grown hadrosaurs in the span of 30 minutes.  I swear I am not making this up.  I clocked her at 30 miles per hour in peak stride.

Which leads me back to "Doctor" Jack Horner.  How in God's Good Green Earth* can you posit that the Tyrannosaur was a scavenger?  I saw all of this with my own eyes, those animals hunted.  They ran.  They stalked.  I'd tell you how I got to the multiverse, but frankly, I don't think you have the mental capacity to take it in and I actually don't really remember.



Yours In Fury,


Rupert Chang










*prior to arrival of man, now it's vaguely gray in color

Uncle Barry

I was fortunate being born into a large extended family. My father has 10 siblings, giving me more than my fair share of uncles, aunts and cousins.

Among that clan of indefatigable folks was my Uncle Barry. He’s long since passed on to his next life, but during his time on this planet as Uncle Barry, he was the best damn uncle one could ever hope to have.

Where to start?

Uncle Barry was a blue-collar hero, working almost religiously at the local candy factory for thirty-plus years until his unfortunate death in a car accident in the late 1990s. I do not recall the exact year, given my tendency to consume more alcohol than I’d like to admit during that decade. Perhaps another blog article will reveal more of those days’ details.

His working-class roots didn’t stop him from enlisting himself into the public sector. I was truly in awe of his work on the township’s Conservation Commission. Here he was able to put his forward-thinking environmentalist hat on and wear it with pride.

While he oversaw many honorable projects during his time on the Commission, I cannot be more thankful for his dedication to wetland preservation. Given my intense interest and research experience in that realm, he was always keen to consult me for advice on wetland issues. You’d be surprised how many there were!

But my favorite memories of ol’ Uncle Barry are rooted our irregularly timed family gatherings. Whether it was an impromptu picnic at Barnard Park during a muggy August afternoon, or ringing in the New Year at grandma-ma’s hillside estate, Uncle Barry was always the figure that I gravitated toward. His sublime joke-telling and improv magic tricks? I could never understand why he wasn’t a professional entertainer in a glamorous show town. I’m thinking somewhere in the Ozarks of Missouri.